Lost

Dazed, confused and lost. I don’t really know where to go from here to be honest. You know sometimes you just have that overwhelming urge to lay in your bed for the rest of your life and just be isolated from everyone and everything. Yeah that’s me right now and sadly I’m at a loss on what to do.

Sitting in my rather plain room I wonder what am I doing with my life. To be fair I don’t really care what I do with my life as long as I don’t waste it and nowadays it seems like the only thing I’m doing is wasting it. Lost in the jungle inside my head I lay scared; scared of the uncertainties, scared of the unknown,and scared of not living up to my potential.

A while back I explained this to someone and his response was “well other people have it worse”…..like mate what the actual fuck. Admittedly many other people do have it worse than me and I thank god everyday for what I have but this does not mean I do not have problems. This does not and should not reduce the significance of my problems.

After my rather futile attempt to open up I looked to the one place which brought me peace: books. I read and read and read. I searched for solace in the words of Nietzsche and Kant; looked for answers in the plays written by Plato, and even peered into the lives of those which brought me inspiration but I couldn’t find anything which gave me the peace I desired. No matter what I did the chaotic thoughts in my head refused to go away.

I wish I could end this on a positive note. I wish I could say that it’s all alright now but sadly that would be a lie. I’ve gotten worse as time went by. I used to be able to at least act normal before, and now it takes me actual effort to even think of getting out of bed. I can’t believe what this world does to people. I’m only sixteen. I shouldn’t be crying myself to sleep nor should I be thinking and worrying this much. Everyone says it’s all due to academic stress, they say it’s all gonna be fine in the end; they say I’ll be at peace eventually, and I guess that’s true. Death does seem peaceful at times.

Advertisements

What to do

What to do when you’re all out of options ? What to do when your back is against the wall ? What to do when you’re left to fend for yourself ? Do you “forgive and forget” or do you take the eye for an eye route ?

Most people around me are of the belief that you should dismiss whatever is troubling you. They say remove the circumstance out of your life, but are they correct ? Is that what is truly beneficial for you ? Each person will have their own perspective on this matter; mine unfortunately does not agree with the perspective of those around me.

Brought up in a religious families I was taught forgiveness is a virtue, and practicing it is a must; however, due to my desire of gaining as much knowledge as poss I ventured outside of my religion to find the answer to these questions. Nietzsche finally gave me an answer.

I was initially taken aback my Nietzsche and his view on the matter. His view that Christianity was a product of roman slaves led to me asking even more questions than before. I started to venture deeper in his thinking until I discovered the answers I was looking for. Nietzsche believed that the roman slaves made things they wanted but couldn’t have sins and those they had but didn’t want virtues. He argued that the roman slaves, not being able to exact revenge made the virtue of forgiveness, not being able to get sex created the virtue of purity and so on so forth. Nietzsche argued this was the slave mentality or the Sklavenmoral, and upon discovering this I realised that those who advocate for dismissing stuff and forgiveness are generally those who are not able to exact revenge due to either a lack of ability or due to a lack of determination. This rule of mine obviously has exceptions and may be wrong, but it stuck with me and so I agree with Nietzsche.

Recently, I came across such an impasse and I was stuck with the same question as before. What to do ? Do I succumb to the Sklavenmoral or do I exact revenge ?

Each option posed more questions. If I go with the former am I not betraying my morals; however, then am I not exercising the allegedly always noble right of forgiveness ? If I go with the latter the question arises to what extent is taking revenge appropriate ? What if what you consider an eye is something more to the other person ? Then have you gone to far ? Both ends of the spectrum pose their own challenges, and so sitting in a pitch black room with my eyes closed I think to myself once again; what to do ?

Reborn

Lost in my life. Waking up everyday not knowing why. Staring at the ceiling wondering why I do this everyday. Why I get up and work towards something I don’t want, towards something which doesn’t interest me, towards something which is making me lose me.

Millions around the world will and can relate to this. The allure of financial freedom and money to much to resist causes the best of us to fall in its trap but alas such is life.

Writing this partially intoxicated and fully fed up I’m lost, confused and crying my eyes out. Staring at the mirror in front of me I begin to wonder; wonder why I’m crying, wonder why I’m no longer staying true to who I am.

Time passes, things change, I don’t. Still stuck in the same place as I was a year ago. Feeling like I’m stuck, like I’m the problem I look around me. People graduating, getting jobs and “succeeding” and for the first time in a long time I think screw them.

No longer do I want to sacrifice myself and conform for money and success.

Music ringing, people dancing, I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Finally realising I have my own way. Realising I’m not just another candidate competing for a university spot. Realising it’s okay I don’t have anything figured out.

You know, most teenagers think they’re “the shit”. That they’re gonna conquer the world and so on and so forth but in all honesty the only thing I know is that I know nothing. Think for a second, there are over seven billion people you haven’t met. Upwards of a hundred countries you haven’t visited and countless books you haven’t read. You’re probably reading this on a phone/laptop/tablet given to you by your parents whilst sitting in their house using their money; so, who the fuck are you to say “I’m the shit”.

Dark rooms, slow music and me alone with my thoughts I realise I cannot and will not succumb to the circumstances of my life. I am who I am; I’m not perfect nor will I ever be perfect but at the end of the day I’m happy with who I am. Hamza Hayat Khan isn’t another statistic nor is he just another victim that life will inevitably claim. He isn’t “the shit” nor is he anywhere close to being “the shit” but at the end of the day he’s happy with who he is and that’s what counts.

Random thoughts 

To the person who listens to my midnight rants; this one is for you.

Why do we do what we do ? We all have a reason for every act we have ever committed. You eat because you’re hungry, sleep because you’re tired and so on; however, why do people on the whole do what they do; what motivates them ? This question is one which fascinates me but I know I won’t be lucky enough to find an answer but alas, such is life.

As I stare out of this Boeing 777 I’m filled with a certain sense of peace and tranquility. While most people have that “I’m so insignificant” thought running through their heads when they experience this view; I was feeling like I was the centre of the universe. Did you know that you, yes you, and stars are essentially made of the same “stuff”. What I mean to say is that you are essentially made of star dust. Yeah, I was shocked at first as well, go ahead google it and you’ll see that I’m correct. I honestly, at that moment in time, felt like I was the most important person on the planet and the fact that those stars which shone brightly above were essentially made of the same materials as me gave me a feeling of belonging.

As I looked out the window of this plane my mind began too wander and before I knew it I was back sitting at the statue in Piccadilly Circus. I remember just looking up at the stars at midnight; looking at the people rushing through that magnificent place going from one place to another glued to their phones. I remember that feeling of disappointment when I looked around and even people sitting on the steps of the statue on this wonderful summer night were just staring at their phones. I was heartbroken when I realised that most people must not make time for looking at the stars or feeling the wind on their face or stopping and literally smelling the roses. I remember even thinking then why are all these people ignoring the world around them, begrudgingly I admit that right now the world isn’t in the best of shape but still, why are people not admiring everything around them. Why are they depriving themselves from everything they’ve been seeking because they’re just looking for instant gratification and thinking short term; rushing from point A to point B. The earth has music for those who listen.

My mind wandered quite a bit with things I won’t bore you with too an article I once read . A group of scientists locked five monkeys in a cage, let’s call them, A, B, C, D and E. The scientists would hold a banana from the top of the cage in a way that anyone of the five monkeys could easily get too it, however, each time one of the monkeys would take the banana ice cold water would be dropped on the other four. After a while if any of the monkeys would try to get the banana the others would stop him from doing so. One by one the monkeys were switched out, first came along A1. Now, this new monkey saw the banana and immediately went for it, however, the other monkeys became hostile towards him until he stopped going after it. The scientists switched out all of the remaining monkeys and each one would initially try to get the banana but the others would stop him. So when the last one was switched out and he too stopped trying to get the banana scientists realised that while none of the original monkeys were in the cage and water wasn’t thrown on the substitutes they still wouldn’t go for the banana. None of the monkeys knew what would happen if they took it but they didn’t try to as that’s what they were “taught”. They had no idea why they shouldn’t try to get it; they just knew that they shouldn’t because that’s the only thing they knew. The scientists then made statements about humans behaviour comparing them to the monkeys behaviour stating that just as the monkeys in the cage most times we don’t know why we should or shouldn’t be doing something, we do things just because we see others do them and we don’t know any better. We’re trained to stay within the same parameters and most of us aren’t even bothered by it.

You know, I’ve at this point admitted that I’m never gonna get an answer to why do people do what they do. Many before me have also tried to answer this question and many more after me will also try to do so but the thing is I’ve realised that people themselves have no idea why they do what they do; humans love to act but very few of them think before doing so and that is why this question can never be answered because at the end of the day most people are stupid; they act without reason and eventually suffer the consequences of not using what makes them different; their ability to think.

Little bit of everything 

Ideas live forever

I never really had faith in anything growing up and in a society in which the word of god is sacred and unquestionable that’s a problem. I was always forced to hush up about my never ending questions, yet I always tried to find an answer to each peculiar question which popped into my tiny head, but alas as so many before me I am yet to answer even one of those questions which keep me up at night.

My patience for people is incredibly thin and vice versa.I was and still am almost always the guy which sits alone, eats alone and is virtually cut off from the rest of the world. While some people who are reading this may perceive me as arrogant I assure you that is not the case; the problem was that the people around me were so invested in their own petty little dramas that they failed to see what was going on in the world outside of their own little bubble. As I grow older I realise that almost everyone is like that. People don’t want to know what’s going on in the world. They just don’t care. As long as the wifi is working so they can stream some show on Netflix and listen to music on Spotify people aren’t bothered. For them, it’s just easier turning a blind eye to the problems facing the world. 

All the normal functions of society seem monumentally screwed up to me. I mean it’s like a never ending rat race where the people who refuse to run are made to feel as if they’re the ones which are delirious but then again such is life, right? The thing is that is life really like that? the answer is no. Life is whatever we make it out to be. Where I see a rat race some rich preppy could see something he’s good at. Life is what you make it out to be. Whatever you have in your heart you will see in your life. If your heart, like mine is consumed by resentment and is utterly hopeless then that is what you will see in the world but if you somehow ignore the obvious signs all around you that you’re nothing more than a speck of dust within a galaxy that really doesn’t matter then congratulations, you see the world filled with hope and opportunities proving that ignorance really is bliss.

Just thinking 

I remember it hurt; looking at her hurt. An angel gracing us mere mortals with her presence but as life would have it this angel had already been worn out by life and this angel, this gift upon this god-forsaken planet became just another casulty of life.

Life is like that. There’s no other way to go about it or is there ? Through out our childhood we are all taught that to succeed in life we need to conform to society. Well I say that is wrong. All of us are diffrent, we all have our own sense of identity and being and so to think that there’s one set of rules for everybody is preposterous.

Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid.

Life is the most tragic thing to happen to anybody and everybody. You see, we didn’t choose this, we did not choose “life“. We were forced into it, it was never our choice but alas as so many before us we are going to have to suffer through it. The thing is we can’t undo life but do we really have to suffer through it ?

Morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

This was said by truly one of the greatest minds ever to grace this world of ours. The above mentioned saying suggests that morality is a concept to limit a talented individual. From this one can assume that if an individual lacks a moral compass he or she will truly succeed in their life however will they truly succeed in life without a sense of morality? If an individual loses his moral compass does he not really lose himself ? 

It is my belief that the world which should exist, the real world is one which ceases to exist and this world which we deem real ought not to exist.

Life is hard; with or without a moral compass life will beat you up and squeeze the very last ounce of breath from your body but if you accept this then you are on your way not only to success but also to peace.

The largest kingdom a man can conquer in his life is himself.